2 posts tagged “retail”
Ah work. What have I to say about thee. Here are three things I hate about the retail industry:
1: Meeting with simpering baboons. A few days ago we held audience with a gutless, kowtowing American who was all form and no function. His ridiculous opening statement about "bridging oceans" and “cherishing our synergy” had me projectile vomiting against the walls of my closed mouth. Fortune cookie say: Exporting headphones to China does not make you a modern Marco Polo.
2: Trying to motivate people who have no fiscal incentive to do anything but stew in their own gastric pudding. We met with a store manager whose boss ordered him to reduce in-store theft of certain items. His solution was to take those items off the rack and mark them out-of-stock.
3: Company cheers. Sorry FroggyMart. Max doesn’t do hand-clapping. He is not going to recite your mantras about low price and great service. It’s not that I’m above it; I can see our high powered MBA execs are diving right into it. It’s just that I’d rather equip a fat guy with cleats and let him play Dance Dance Revolution on my unfurled penis than partake of your unholy ritual.
Three things to love about the retail industry:
1: Seeing how the world ticks. Retail gives you the skinny on all kinds of industries. Thanks to a vendor meeting this morning, I could now talk your ear off about the past, present, and future of olive oil.
2: Promotions are a fun time for all. Think your grandmother makes a mean deviled egg? Cook up a demo batch in the store and see if it catches on with the customers. Is the makeup district a little confined? Put up some mirrors and screw with people’s heads. I get to be a runway model in a fashion show at our flagship department store next week. That never really happened when I was a programmer.
3: Freebies galore. We get to “appraise” new food items all the time. Even goods that are already in our stores get “inspected”; it is not uncommon to see bakers and deli chefs running around our HQ with “product samples”.
Any TexMex manufacturers reading this? Come hither. You have a market in Shanghai of at least one freeloader.
“Good morning Max!”
It's my inaugural day at FroggyMart. Before me stands the indefatigable Professor Rose, grinning like a chessy cat. She's grown much older since I saw her last, but she has the eyes of a giddy teenager. Professor Rose is a long-standing family friend, and her son and I used to be playmates. Twenty years ago we were discussing whether I'd like another box of apple juice. Now we're talking business.
"There’s just so much going on, it’s a fascinating time to be here. My sister came two weeks ago, she was so jealous when she heard you might come on board full time. Come come, let me introduce you to Felix, and Tucker...”
The ebullient Professor bowls everyone over with her charismatic presence, so they have to greet me supine. She makes mice of them, but her charm is such that they transform willingly. The morning passes in a whirlwind of small talk.
As I walk through the halls of corporate FroggyMart, I realize how much I've taken the supermarket for granted. People gab on the phone with suppliers and analyze reams of data. They rush off to negotiations. Somewhere out there, farmers, truckers, and in-store staff are making it happen. I ponder how I managed to spend twenty-four years on this earth knowing all about number theory and pluperfect tenses, not knowing how my daily fare gets from Farmer John's garden hoe to that gaping hole in my head by which I sustain my corporeal form.
I always feel out of touch with reality. Harvard and MoogleTech launched me into the clouds. Maybe it will take a place like FroggyMart to pluck me out of the sky and teach my soles the feel of solid earth.
