2 posts tagged “assholes”

This entry had to come sooner or later.  It’s about the proverbial elephant in the room.

To a large minority of the locals here: You guys are assholes.

Thank you, ladies on the street corner, for waking me up with your high-pitched screeching.  I never knew wrath could pierce those high notes or waft as high as the eleventh story.  The content of your argument could not be more trivial.  Stop hitting each other.  See a counselor.

Thank you, subway brats, for forcing your way into the subway car before its occupants get out.  It’s uncivilized when there are empty seats to be competed for.  It’s dribble-running-down-the-chin, beany-wearing idiocy when there aren’t.  Next time, do us all a favor and force your way through those guard doors even earlier, like before the train pulls up to the podium.

Thank you, street vendor, for glaring and pointing randomly when I ask you for directions.  I could understand the hostility if you were down on your luck, but I just saw you hooting and hollering with your buddies.  I can’t believe I thought you were pointing meaningfully.  You’re an abomination of human reproduction.  The next time I encounter your unheathen ilk, I will bitch slap them where they stand, even as their deceitful pointer fingers remain extended.

Thank you, old dude, for saying to your daughter, “I don’t understand, why would you bother to go out of your way to help other people?”  I cry for you.  I cry for the circumstances that made you this way.  Every time you draw breath, a fairy dies.

Thank you, drunken hotel guest, for screaming “服务员 (Hey room attendant)!” at me while I was waiting for the elevator.  I didn’t think you were talking to me, so I didn’t turn to face you.  You then took the liberty of getting right in my face and bitching me out in your local dialect.  Your bespectacled friend had the common sense to realize that hotel employees don’t wear jeans and green t-shirts; that’s why he was tugging nervously at your shoulder.  No one likes you.  Return to the butt that spawned you.

All Chinabound flower children, wear a raincoat and grow your hide a little thicker.  There's a chance of acid showers.  Stay sweet, even though the mojo's a little sour.

A timid young woman enters the subway car.  Her eyes scan the walls frantically for a map.  She turns timidly to the old man sitting beside her.

“Excuse me, I’m so sorry.  I want to get to the People’s Square.  Is this the right train?” she squeaks.

“Of course not!  Are you stupid?!” the man squawks smugly with his arms firmly crossed.  “This is line 4.  Line 4 goes in a circle around the city.  The People’s Square is in the dead center of town.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry.”

“The People’s Square, hah.  Only Line 1 and Line 2 get to the People’s Square.  Are you some kind of outsider?”

The girl runs off the train as the old man watches, an amused smirk on his face.  I’m headed to the People’s Square as well, but I could have sworn this was the right train.  Should I jump ship too?  A fat piggy in his twenties sticks his head out the door.

“Miss!  Come back!  This is the right train.”

It’s too late.  The girl is out of earshot.  The wrath of Zeus possesses him as he turns lividly towards the old man.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“She doesn’t even know that Line 4 doesn’t go to the People’s Square!  It’s line 1 or 2!”

“Line 4 is the only way to transfer to lines 1 and 2 from here!”

“So?  That’s not my problem.”

“Why’d you let her get off the train?!”

“I didn’t tell her to get off the train.”

“You should have stopped her, you stupid old goat.”

The young man dashes off the car.  Fortunately we’re at the starting terminus of the fourth line and the train’s thrown anchor for the moment.  He returns thirty seconds later with the young lady in tow.  Never a nobler deed have I seen on the subway.

There is altruism in Shanghai.  A girl silently picks up litter while she waits at the bus stop.  A janitor overhears that I’m looking for a gym and draws me a map.  Cops are incredibly civil, even when awarding traffic tickets.  Of course, benevolence flows freely among acquaintances.  I’ve been suctioning free rides and local advice off my friend Lei like a remora on a filet mignon.

It is much rarer to see altruism extended towards strangers.  Confronting an idiot on the subway and chasing after a lost woman takes guts.  When you see these acts of kindness you drink them in.  If you don’t, the negative juju will crack your spirit.  But that's for another post.